How to Deal with Aging Parents Who Refuse Help
Written by:
Jeffrey Grossman
Published:
February 26th, 2024
Navigating the delicate process of helping elderly parents who don’t want it is a journey marked by genuine concern, good intentions, and often much frustration. It's a common scenario many adult children face: the struggle to understand and respect our elderly parents' wishes while being acutely aware of their increasing need for support. This resistance can be baffling and emotionally taxing for adult children who have their parents’ best interests at heart.
Before diving into strategies for managing these complex situations, we take some time to uncover the underlying reasons behind this refusal of help. Understanding these factors will help you approach conversations with your parents about their care with empathy and insight. It allows for a gentler, more informed dialogue where your parents' feelings and apprehensions are acknowledged and addressed.
This blog aims to shed light on why elderly parents refuse help and offer practical advice on what to do when elderly parents refuse help. From assessing their needs to leveraging professional eldercare resources, we'll explore the intricacies of caring for those who once cared for us, with the ultimate goal of enhancing their quality of life in their golden years.
First, let’s lay the foundation by sharing some common reasons why elderly parents refuse help. Keeping these reasons in mind will allow you to read the following advice on what to do when elderly parents refuse help with a more compassionate perspective.
Why Do Elderly Parents Refuse Help?
When your elderly mother refuses to do anything cooperatively, you’re left wondering how to deal with irrational elderly parents. It’s incredibly frustrating when elderly parents refuse help time and time again. You may find yourself struggling to understand why your parents are so resistant to assistance.
This resistance can be difficult for adult children who truly have their parents’ best interests at heart. Let’s take a look at some of the underlying reasons for this stubbornness so you can approach the next conversation about their care with greater understanding.
Fear of Losing Independence
One of the most significant reasons elderly individuals refuse help is the fear of losing their independence. Accepting assistance is often perceived as the first step toward dependency. For someone who has spent a lifetime being self-reliant, the idea of needing help can make them defensive.
Pride
Many seniors view accepting help as admitting weakness or an inability to care for themselves. This can feel like a blow to their dignity, especially when an adult child is the one trying to help. No matter how old they are, they will always be your parent. The role reversal of them needing you - or the help of anyone - can be earth-shattering.
Denial or Lack of Awareness
Sometimes, the refusal stems from denial. Denial can be a coping mechanism for dealing with the realities of aging and potential health issues. Other times, they may simply not notice their inabilities. While the signs may be obvious to you, aging can be a gradual process. It can be difficult for seniors to recognize themselves when they've reached the point of needing help.
Vulnerability
Having someone else assist with personal tasks like bathing, dressing, and grooming can deeply affect one’s sense of dignity and independence. Whether it’s a family member or a professional Caregiver, the reality is that needing this type of support from anyone as an adult is a vulnerable position to be in. It’s a profound shift, moving from being a caretaker to accepting assistance for intimate activities.
Privacy Concerns
A professional Caregiver, while trained and compassionate, is someone unfamiliar to your elderly parent, which introduces an additional layer of discomfort and apprehension. The idea of inviting a stranger into the privacy of their home to provide such personal levels of care can lead to significant anxiety and fear, contributing to resistance or outright refusal of care.
By understanding these underlying reasons, you can better know how to deal with stubborn aging parents. Now that we’ve laid this foundation, it’s time to discuss what to do when elderly parents refuse help.
What to Do When Elderly Parents Refuse Help
When your elderly parents refuse help, but you see an increasing need for assistance, it’s time for a formal conversation. It's crucial to approach this situation with both empathy and practicality. Let’s look at what to do when elderly parents refuse help.
Assess the Situation Objectively
Begin by identifying the specific areas where your parents may need assistance. Look for signs of decline in their physical or cognitive health, safety hazards in their living environment, or difficulties managing daily tasks. These findings can help you determine the level of care required and inform the care solutions you pursue. You may also consider gently providing examples of what you’ve observed during your conversation with your parents if they’re in denial about their inabilities.
Address Underlying Concerns
Take the time to listen to your parent's concerns and fears about accepting help, such as those previously mentioned. Validate their feelings and reassure them that you want to respect their autonomy but emphasize that their health and safety are the most important considerations. Address any misconceptions about caregiving that may have them on edge to help alleviate your parent's fears and increase their willingness to accept assistance.
Treat Your Parent Like an Adult
Avoid speaking to your parent in a condescending or patronizing manner. Instead of telling them what you’ve decided on your own accord, engage them in open, honest discussions about their care needs, presenting options rather than directives. Involving them in the decision-making process allows them to express their preferences and concerns. This approach honors their autonomy and helps build trust and cooperation, making the transition to accepting help smoother for everyone involved.
Present Practical Solutions
Present practical solutions that respect your parents' preferences while addressing their needs. If you’re thinking, “I don't want to take care of my parents in my own home,” you don’t have to offer up your house as an option. With 8 in 10 older adults desiring to age in place, in-home care is an ideal option for elderly parents that doesn’t require any relocation. They get to maintain their independence by staying in the comfort of their home, while you get peace of mind knowing a professional is overseeing their care.
Lean on Eldercare Professionals
Remember, you don't have to do this alone. If your elderly parents refuse help, having a professional support system in place can provide much-needed encouragement and guidance. Geriatric care managers are an excellent resource for adult children of aging parents who need senior care. These eldercare experts can provide valuable insights, resources, and support to help you navigate this challenging time with compassion and provide objective recommendations when emotions are high.
If you’ve tried everything and still don’t know what to do with an elderly parent who refuses needed care, call Commonwise Home Care.
Need Help with an Elderly Parent? Call Commonwise Home Care
At Commonwise Home Care, we understand the delicate balance required to respect your loved one's independence while ensuring they receive the care and support they need. Whether it's a few hours a day or round-the-clock care, Commonwise tailors care to the needs of your loved ones, supporting them wherever they call home.
Our in-home care services are designed to provide personalized support that enhances your parents' quality of life. From companionship and personal care to specialized assistance for conditions like dementia, our dedicated team of Caregivers is here to provide compassionate, professional care to senior loved ones.
With Commonwise, you can have peace of mind knowing that your elderly parent is receiving exceptional care in the comfort of their own home. Contact us today to learn more about how we can support you and your elderly loved one as they enter this new chapter of life. Together, we can create a comprehensive care plan that meets your parent's unique needs and helps them live life to the fullest.